This is a sequel to my previous post, The Dark Side of Me – Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Life.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. ~Carl Jung
The more time we spend trying to cover up our internal pain and inner conflicts, the better we get at making ourselves unhappy.
We run away from our problems, we hide our darkness and we suppress our feelings…
We try to protect ourselves from feeling any pain and in this process of covering up our wounds and shadows, we create even more suffering for ourselves.
We don’t do it in purpose… Our intentions are good, they always are, but the results we get are making us live very sad and unhappy lives.
Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Life – Me and My Shadows
It can be so easy to lose yourself but so hard to get back to who you once were, to who you still are underneath it all.
There I was, all alone in Bali, trying to relax and find some peace of mind but peace of mind was nowhere to be found.
I couldn’t believe that I was the one causing all that discomfort and unease in my body.
I couldn’t believe that for all that time, I kept pretending to be okay when in fact I wasn’t.
So many thoughts were running through my mind…
I remember going from feeling sad to feeling content, from feeling ashamed, guilty and angry, to feeling so much compassion, love, and appreciation for myself…
With tears running down my face, I continue writing:
I am so sorry…
I really didn’t know you were feeling this way…
I tried to protect you. I wanted you to be safe, I wanted you to be happy…
I knew how guilty and ashamed you felt for not being able to save this relationship and I thought that by distracting your attention and making you focus on work and other things you would forget about it, you would forget about him and you will feel a lot better…
You both tried so many times to make it work but it didn’t… Maybe because you were no longer meant to be together.
You refused to listen to me and you kept clinging on to him and the pain. I had to help you, I had too…
It was for your own good, it really was… or so I thought.
I wanted to erase all the bad memories and all the pain out of your system and I did what felt like the right thing at that time.
I did it for you. I honestly did… I never wanted to hurt you.
I’m really sorry…
And then I stopped. I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too much for me.
I felt so embarrassed, so ashamed and so angry at myself and t I decided to put the pen and notebook down and take a break from writing… I seriously couldn’t believe what was happening to me. I was in a shock.
I was sitting there, alone in my room, feeling like a total stranger to myself. I felt confused, not knowing who I was anymore…
I guess this is what happens when you allow yourself to be something you are not. When you try to wear all kind of masks, with the intention to be strong instead of weak, happy when you are unhappy, to smile when in fact you feel like crying…
You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it. ~Alan Moore, V for Vendetta
For a very long time I tried to keep myself from feeling the pain, and the more I tried to run and hide from it, the more suffering I was creating for myself. Ironic, don’t you think?
In those moments I felt so much anger and repulsion directed towards my own person and I remember thinking to myself:
Okay, so not only do I have to deal with this horrible pain that I am feeling in my body but I also have to deal with the fact that I never really gotten over this breakup?!?!
I can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s not real… it’s not!!!
How am I going to get out of this horrible mess? I’ll never be able to move past this?
Why did I have to come to Bali?!?!
I should’ve stayed home…
I knew it was a dumb idea. I always do this!!!
Why do I always have to complicate my life?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
What is wrong with me?!?!
And then my mind went silent and I felt like there were no thoughts left for me to think. I’ve placed my head on the pillow and I fell asleep immediately. There were no more thoughts, no more noise, no more judgments, only silence…
That night I slept like a little baby, but unfortunately the next day I woke up with a horrible headache and a very angry and noisy mind.
I really felt like banging my head on a wall or something just to make it stop, that’s how bad it was. I thought that maybe I am going crazy and I was 100% sure that I won’t leave Bali as a sane person.
Well, I did leave Bali as a sane person but what followed that day made me realize that I had even bigger issues and my broken heart wasn’t the only thing that required my immediate attention….
All I wanted was to relax, to have some peace of mind, to enjoy Bali and to write on my book but life had other plans for me.
After being in Bali for less than 1 week (things got messy on the 4th day), I found out that not only did I never took the time to heal my “broken heart” but that I also had many other unresolved issues from the past, childhood traumas that were coming to the surface… Scary but true.
In the next post I will share with you how some of these dark childhood memories that I kept hidden from myself and those close to me for more than 20 years…
Will see if Debbie Ford’s words are actually true… “Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly. You will no longer have to pretend to be someone you’re not. You will no longer have to prove you’re good enough.
When you embrace your shadow you will no longer have to live in fear. Find the gifts of your shadow and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self. Then you will have the freedom to create the life you have always desired.”