‘Why should we think upon things that are lovely? Because thinking determines life. It is a common habit to blame life upon the environment. Environment modifies life but does not govern life. The soul is stronger than its surroundings.” ~ William James
Moving Away from Blame
Blame is one of those hidden demons we all have experienced at some point. Whether blaming ourselves or others, blame keeps us stuck in the darkness.
Blame is “the assigned responsibility for a fault or wrongdoing.”
For me, blame was hidden under layers and layers of healing. It was never clear to me that I was indeed blaming myself for so much.
I had assumed a role of responsibility that left me the guardian of all that went wrong. Sometimes, I would say things like,
”I am the strong one so I’ll figure it out or I shouldn’t have done that because now…”
These are little clues to realizing that you are blaming yourself. And if you have this perspective for anyone else, you are blaming them.
Consciously, I never believed the hardships or challenges my family was facing was my fault.
If anyone had shared that with me, I would have laughed it off. Yet, there is a space that is beyond logic. It is deeper and tangled in childhood wounds that unconsciously exist. There are things that we keep buried for lifetimes because they seem too painful to face.
Instead, we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and get sick, or angry, or depressed.
When we blame ourselves, we become so resistant to loving ourselves and celebrating our lives because on this deeper emotional level we are our own enemy. If deep within us we perceive ourselves as “guilty”, we are constantly working against ourselves.
In my work as a coach that focuses on transforming stress, blame comes up often. It is a big piece in feeling that we need to control and fix everything which of course leads to anxiety. The first step in removing the blame is to realize it is there to begin with. With love and care, you too can release blame and feel freedom in your life.
Here are a few gentle steps to begin with:
3 Ways To Stop Blaming Yourself and Others
1. Parent Yourself
No, we can’t go back in time and change everything, so it is perfect. Our parents did the best that they could and as adults we need take responsibility for our own healing. Rather then go outside yourself for the love and security you desired as a child, go within.
Begin to parent yourself with love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Speak to yourself the way you wished to be spoken to and consistently remind yourself that you are safe, innocent and deserving.
“If you want to understand your parents more, get them to talk about their own childhood; and if you listen with compassion, you will learn where their fears and rigid patterns come from. Those people who “did all that stuff to you” were just as frightened and scared as you are.” ~ Louise Hay
2. Acknowledge your feelings
I too wish these hard emotions could go away without feeling them. Yet, the only way out is through. Allow the emotions and hurts to arise to the surface so that they can be healed and released. The key is to know and remember that you are safe in this moment and you can survive the feelings that may arise.
“Pain (any pain–emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: “We would be more alive if we did more of this,” and, “Life would be more lovely if we did less of that.” Once we get the pain’s message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.” ~ Peter McWilliams
3. Release and accept
Using the parts of you that are consciously aware, list all the things that are not in your control and list the things that are. Be honest with yourself and begin to release the things that you cannot change by accepting them. It is what it is and with time your experience will change around it. However, there is NO reason to continue carrying the weight of the world any longer.
“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” ~ Guy Finley
I deeply hope this supports you in remembering your own innocence and releases you from the stress you are carrying. Please share with me in the comments below. What has helped you to stop blaming yourself and others so that you can find forgiveness?