“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ~ Joseph Campbelll
In the past few years, I have learned to trust and follow my intuition. To go where my heart wants me to go and to do what my heart wants me to do. But when I felt that my heart wanted me to go back home after only one year of working and living in Malaysia, asking me to leave my friends and many of the people I so much loved behind, I got really mad. And because I didn’t like what I was being “told” to do, I decided to ignore my inner voice and pretend that I didn’t hear what it was telling me. And believe it or not, I did so for almost one year. And oh boy, what a painful year that was.
The Sacred Journey of the Heart: How to Find Your Bliss
I don’t know if I have ever been so sick in my entire life as I been that year. I felt sick over and over and over again. I had days when my body didn’t want to move. And I really mean it. I couldn’t get up from bed to go to work and whenever I would ask my body to work with me, to move and take me where I need to go, I could feel the pain getting worse and worse. As if my body was angry with me. And my mind… Oh, my mind was making so much noise, driving me crazy and making things worse than they actually were.
There was so much anger building up in me and I felt how I was beginning to project that anger outwards. I couldn’t stand to be around people and in time I went from looking at everyone with eyes of love and seeing the good in people, to judging and criticizing all of them.
“A man who is unconscious of himself acts in a blind, instinctive way and is in addition fooled by all the illusions that arise when he sees everything that he is not conscious of in himself coming to meet him from outside as projections upon his neighbor. ” ~ Carl G. Jung, The Philosophical Tree
I knew that wasn’t me, I knew I didn’t want to do that but I just couldn’t make it stop. And in this process of pointing the finger and talking about what I disliked in people and the world around me, I became those things I so much despised. Pretending to be “fighting” against others when in fact I was fighting against myself.
I felt how I was losing the pure and loving side of me, the love, kindness, and compassion I once used to feel for others and when I finally got tired of hurting myself, of feeling sick all the time, not being able to sleep and having a mind that wouldn’t shut up, I decided to go back to what my heart once asked me to do. I decided to honor myself.
And surprise, surprise, all that mental noise and all the pain I was feeling in my body, all that anger and frustration stopped the moment I decided to resign and leave Malaysia. It literally stopped the moment I said that I will leave.
I remember talking to Vishen, the CEO of the company I was working for and telling him that I don’t want to but I need to leave. And the moment those words came out of my mind I felt so much light all of a sudden and I felt all the pain I had been feeling for all that time, go away immediately.
That was probably one of the strangest and most fascinating things that ever happened to me. It made me realize how smart our bodies are and how much harm we can do to ourselves just by ignoring our inner calling, just by ignoring who we are at the core level.
So I got back home to Romania, to work on my book and to do whatever it was that my heart wanted me to do. And everything was fine at first but as time went by I realized that I kept going back to Malaysia. My body was in Romania but my mind and spirit seemed to be in Malaysia still.
I was missing my friends, the places I used to visit and I was missing having deep, meaningful conversations and connections. I began to feel sadder each day and it wasn’t long until I was no longer able to be present where I was. Once again my mind was driving me crazy.
And I went back to feeling horrible. Not being able to sleep. Feeling anxious all the time, getting sick, focusing on all the things I didn’t like about this place, how people here are not that “evolved” and how I can’t really connect with anyone at a deeper level and so on.
I stayed in that place for months and months and I had days when I honestly thought that I was going crazy because the truth is that I was driving myself crazy by being in Romania physically and mentally and spiritually in Malaysia. And I felt drained and exhausted. I just wanted to get a hammer and hit my head just so that I could make my mind stop making all that crazy noise.
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
My tolerance to pain was very high but luckily not without limits. Eventually, because I got tired of fighting and resisting everything I was feeling, I just gave up. I surrender to everything, accepting where I was and trusting that maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And I kept repeating these words to myself over and over again: “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
And thank God I did. Because from that moment onwards all kind of wonderful things started happening, things and experiences that led to me feeling the way I do right now – super high, blissful and overflowing with love. As if I took the best drugs in the world and now I am ecstatic 24/7. Everything changed so much the moment I just surrender… It felt as if I died and then came back to life. And the beautiful thing about it is that I became fully present in the NOW, loving where I was and feeling so at peace, so whole and so complete. And now, no matter where I look, I see only beauty and I feel only love for everything and everyone. I’m floating and I feel how nothing in my life is lacking and how I have everything I need right here and right now. For the first time ever I feel like I am ENOUGH. That I don’t have to do anything, say anything and achieve anything in order to feel worthy of love and appreciation. I already have all the love I need in me, now and always.
“This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.” ~ Rumi
I think it’s funny how easy it is to believe every toxic thought that runs through our mind and identify ourselves with those thoughts. We spend so much time in our minds and so little time in our hearts and because of that, we know so little about who we really are underneath it all and what we are really capable of feeling, being, doing and having. We cling onto familiar places and familiar faces and because we are so afraid to step into the unknown, so afraid of change, we ignore our inner voice, our inner calling and we go for what feels comfortable. Just like William G.T. Shedd said it, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
We might feel safe staying in our comfort zone and clinging onto familiar places and familiar faces, but that’s not what life is about. That’s not what we are about.
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
Why do you think there are so many unhappy people in the world? Why do you think there are so many people who have given up on love, on themselves and on life? Because they are afraid of change. They cling onto everything that is familiar to them and they do their best to stay away from unfamiliar places, experiences, and people.
But that’s not what the Soul wants. That’s not what our heart wants. That’s not what will help us to find our bliss and discover who we are underneath it all, and that’s not what will make us feel whole and wholly.
There are so many wonderful things hidden inside each and every one of us but we don’t know it. We aren’t aware of all the treasures that are inside of us waiting to be discovered. And many of us will never know it simply because we spend too much time in our minds and very little time in our hearts.
“Who looks outside dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” ~ Carl G. Gustav
We have no idea of who we are and all the beautiful, magical and wonderful things that are hidden in each and every one of us… We spend so much time looking for love and happiness outside ourselves, not knowing that we ourselves are made of love, unconditional love and that we ourselves can generate all wonderful feelings we’re so desperately seeking outside ourselves simply by being who we are.
I just love throwing myself into the darkness, my own darkness, and my own shadows because I have come to realize that this is how you get back to the root of you. This is how you reveal your own inner light and this is how you are able to experience, and know, what unconditional love is all about. What life is all about and what being ONE with all there is all about.
“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.” ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
By removing all the layers of mud – the mud representing all our fears, limitations, all the bad programming, and all the negative past conditioning, we start to feel things that we have never felt before. We go places we have never been before and we start to know things we have never known before.
Instead of feeling happy, we start to feel blissful and ecstatic. Instead of pushing through life, struggling and working hard to make things happen, we start to flow through life and we begin to achieve with ease and grace, effortlessly making what once seemed impossible, possible.
And as time goes by, we start to realize that life is all about “us” and the relationship we have with our own Self. Because only by knowing ourselves we can know others and only by loving ourselves we can love others. And if you can get to that place where you only have unconditional love and acceptance for yourself, then that’s when you get it. You get what life is all about, what you are all about and you get what this world we all live in is all about.
And I think I’m finally getting it… and I hope you are too 🙂