Going through a break up can be one of the hardest experiences to get through. While logistically you know (and are told repeatedly by everyone around you) that you’re going to be okay, time heals all wounds and you’re better off without them, it’s hard to truly believe all that while in the midst of it.
If you’re currently experiencing heartbreak you know how awful and suffocating it is. One moment you think you finally have a handle on it, only to be hyperventilating and crying the next. This is normal. There are phases of every break up that you just have to endure. But there are a few essential truths to keep in mind that will help you focus on accepting the situation for what it is and moving past it.
1. You are the cause of your own pain.
“Responsibility is the price of freedom.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
When relationships collapse it’s easy to blame the other person, and while your anger and hurt are definitely justified, the root of our pain comes from within. When you take full responsibility for your emotions, they’re easier to control. If you are in a place of constant agony it is your body’s response to your mind’s resistance to accepting the situation.
Take a moment to analyze what is actually hurting about the breakup. Are you in pain because you feel you lost the love of your life? Why does that hurt so much? Probably because you feel like you won’t get that kind of love again (which is not true). Are you hurting because you’ve been betrayed? Why does that hurt so much? Probably because you feel disposed and worthless (which you are not). Doing this makes it easier to see the real reasons behind your pain and to better identify how much of your thoughts (often illogical in a time like this) are driving and reinforcing your suffering. When we re-frame our minds to realize we’re in sole control of our emotions, we allow ourselves to take the necessary actions to move on.
2. The only way out is through.
People handle emotional turmoil differently. While some may want to isolate in misery, others choose to avoid and numb it with distractions. But the longer and harder you try to resist the pain and hurt of your break up, the more it will persist. Let yourself feel the pain. Let yourself be angry (though never act on it). Know that, until you have come to terms with the many emotions that accompany a failed relationship, you won’t be able to forgive and move on.
3. Life gives you exactly what you need when you need it.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
The Law of Attraction, which is the idea that what we put out into the universe comes back to us, can be extremely helpful in understanding the reason for your heartache.
Call it coincidence, call it irony. But what you attract is what you get, both positive and negative. If you have found yourself in a relationship completely dependent on another person, leaning on them for your happiness and expecting their undivided attention and devotion, the universe will throw you a hard lesson: you cannot depend on another person to make you happy. And what we cling to in life will ultimately run away.
The heartaches we experience, no matter their cause, change us to some degree. It is up to us whether or not we decide to view them as a lesson to be learned. When you realize the universe is always giving you what you need, when you need it, it becomes easier to see that there is no limit to a number of people you can fall in love and have a relationship with.
4. There is no “one” person out there for you.
We’re taught a lot of different things about love, and as a Gen-Ys Disney taught us that love means happily-ever-after, that it’s forever. And although it’s possible, it’s not always the case. Sometimes love is about letting go.
We commit to people because we have faith in a future with them, so when it doesn’t work out we are devastated. We hurt and tell ourselves we’re never going to find someone else that loves us as much again. It’s not true. Life is constantly changing and so are we. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us something but aren’t meant to stay.
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person that you will ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert
There is nothing easy about letting someone you love go. But it becomes significantly more bearable if you are able to view the break up as a universal blessing, not a punishment.
It’s uncomfortable not knowing what’s next. But it can also be really exciting. Perspective is everything. You need to have complete and utter faith that there is more ahead for you. Life is a journey and you will be thrown through a lot of obstacles. But it will be the attitude and persistence you keep that will get you exactly where you need to be.
Why do you think it’s so hard for people to move on after a break-up? Is it maybe because we haven’t yet learned how to be alone with ourselves? You can share your comment by joining the conversation below.