This is a sequel to my previous post, Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Life – Me and My Shadows.
One of the most valuable and powerful lessons I have learned from life is that nothing is ours to keep – not our friends and family, not our lovers, not our material possessions, not our youth and vitality, not our struggles (which is great news) or successes, and not even our lives.
We are all given a body and we are all given one life to live, and what we do with this body and this life it all depends on us.
Things, people, experience, they all come and go. Everything changes, nothing remains the same and the more we resist this truth, the more complicated our lives will get.
It’s not easy to give up attachment and it surely wasn’t easy for me to accept the fact that the relationship I once had with my boyfriend (we have been together since 2003) was over.
I went to Bali with the intention to relax, de-stress and write. While I was there, after 3 days of experiencing intense bliss and relaxation, on the 4th day I began feeling very angry, drained and unhappy. My whole body began to hurt and I had a very hard time keeping a positive mindset. I was all over the place.
Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Life – Healing My Heart, Body and Soul
Later on, I discovered that all of those negative emotions and all the pain I was feeling in my body was the result of my own ignorance. Because I didn’t want to deal with the pain of our break up, I decided to pretend I was okay, suppressing and hiding my real feelings, not giving myself permission to heal my “broken heart”.
While being there, not only did I have to deal with the horrible pain I was feeling in my body, but I also had to accept the fact that I had never really gotten over the breakup. I had to give myself permission to heal my broken heart and also face some of my darkest childhood memories. Memories that kept coming to the surface while working on my book.
Every time I would sit down to write, some new painful memories would come to the surface. Even though at first I got scared and terrified, the more I continued to write and the more I allowed those memories to come to the surface, without trying to judge or suppress them, the less scared and ashamed I began to feel.
I won’t go too much into details (I’ll share many of these things in my book) but what I can tell you for sure is that my childhood was far from being a happy one. In fact, I don’t even know if I ever had a childhood.
My father, who died when I was 12 years old, was a very sad and aggressive man, a person whom I learned to fear but not to love. I never really understand why he was so violent and why he treated his own family so badly.
He used to come home drunk all the time and he used to hit everything and everyone he encountered. It didn’t really matter if you were just a little kid, it didn’t really matter if you were bleeding, screaming and crying your eyes out. He wouldn’t stop hitting until he got tired and he rarely seemed to get tired…
He didn’t seem to care about anyone but himself and I remember how, in all my childhood years, I used to perceive him as being a monster, not a father. I was afraid and horrified by him and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t go away and leave us alone, why he wouldn’t allow me and my siblings to go outside and play like the rest of the kids.
He would often lock us in the house, keeping us from going out to play and not allowing us to go to school for weeks. Even though the first 12 years of my life were a nightmare, I never really hated him. I feared him but I never really hated him. As years went by, I did my best to forget about all the things he did to me and my family, trying to live my life as if nothing ever happened but I guess the quality of my life was affected by all those past experiences.
Being there in Bali, all alone with my thoughts and pain, working on healing my heart and writing on my book, all these dark memories and many others came to surface but I had to learn how to make peace with them all…
Even though at first I was in shock, after a while I began to feel very light, peaceful and content. I realized that if I managed to get over all those traumatic experiences, and if I managed not to go crazy after all those years of intense violence and traumatic experiences, I will surely be able to get over my heartbreak.
Oh my, you really have a lot of issues, don’t you?
Just kidding. Don’t take me seriously. I am just messing with you, but you know what?
If you managed not to go crazy after all those years of intense pain, violence, and drama, you will be able to handle this break up with so much ease.
You already have so much experience in dealing with all kind of crazy situations and I am sure you will find the strength to deal with this one as well.
It will be piece of cake for you…
I guess no matter how many challenges you face in your life, you will never be happy to face new ones, or at least that’s how I felt…
The ego says I shouldn’t have to suffer, and that thought makes you suffer so much more. Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance. ~Eckhart Tolle
In those moments I had to choose between running away from the root cause of my pain and living in denial (inflicting more pain upon myself) or facing the ugly truth – accept the fact that our relationship was over, and experience the pain that came from that and allow the healing process to take place naturally.
Even though I was still feeling pain in my body and even though my thoughts were still very chaotic, underneath it all, I was able to feel a deep sense of stillness and tranquility.
So what if you two will no longer be a couple? Does that mean you should no longer care about him? Of course not.
Who says that you can only love a person if that person is physically next to you?
Who says that you should stop loving someone just because at one point you both decided to go separate ways?
This is nonsense.
Love if you feel like loving and if you don’t, just don’t.
Why complicate things?
Just let go of all the resistance and you will be fine…
Do what feels right for you.
It made so much sense…
I guess I don’t have to stop loving him…
I will allow my heart to feel whatever it wants to feel without any restrictions or limitations. I will train my mind to stay present in the now…
The whole time I spent in Bali I did my best to do just that, to train my mind to be present in the now and to allow my heart to feel whatever it wanted to feel.
Whenever I felt my mind drifting away, trying to dictate and control what my heart was feeling, daydreaming about the past or creating horrible scenarios about the future, I would immediately focus on my breathing. With both hands on my heart, I would repeat to myself:
Everything is all right.
You are perfectly fine, you always have been and you always will be.
Just come back.
Focus on what is in front of you.
Stay in the present moment and you will be fine.
So what if the memories we have of our past are not very colorful and happy? The past is the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. Many of our troubles arise from his inability to be present in the now. When the mind is busy thinking about the past or the future, there is no room left for the present moment, no room left for life.
Let go of your attachment to your past, to the many ideas you have about how life should be and decide to enjoy and appreciate life for what is. Trust more and doubt less. Make the best of everything and stop throwing it all away by living in fear and regret.
Trust that Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment. ~Echkart Tolle
My heart will heal in time, I will be fine and so will my past wounds. No matter how many times I fall down and no matter how many “horrible” things will happen to me, I will not allow myself to be defined by them.
I will continue to create my life from a place of infinite choices and infinite possibilities- the present moment, not from a place of limitations – the past. By doing so, I will continue to keep on walking, keep on growing and keep on doing the things I love doing, sharing my work and my love with those around me.
I will allow life’s challenges to make me better not bitter 🙂