“Why is it that the ones you love the most hurt you the most? Is it because love is blind? Or is it because we just don’t want to look at those old patterns and behaviors that allow for the hurting to take place?” ~ Luminița D. Saviuc
How many times have I fallen in the last couple of years? How many times have I failed to be strong, faithful, and confident?
A million times, or maybe more…
Because I was sick and tired of it all…
When the Ones You Love the Most Hurt You the Most
As someone who has dealt with trauma, drama, pain and suffering from the moment she was born (read my book to understand what I mean), I had to learn to adapt and cope with the madness that surrounded me in a way that would keep me from ending up in a mental institution.
And I did.
Not only that. But I also got really good at it.
I would fall. Then get back up. Then I would fall again. And come back up…
On and on I went until I couldn’t do it anymore.
Because let’s be honest. How long can you adapt to a dysfunctional environment?
How long can you be strong in the face of the malice of those who hate themselves so much that they would do just about anything to hurt you?
We are only human. Being human has its limits.
And after being ‘strong’ for so long, I reached a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore.
And I collapsed…
Just Let it Go, She Said…
In the process of writing my first book, I realized that I never hated my father for the hell he put me through.
I figured he was in pain. And since he didn’t know any better and couldn’t do any better, why hate him?
So, I let it go…
That’s how I learned to find excuses for how cruel, vicious, hateful, and incredibly mean some of the people in my life were.
I guess I didn’t want to believe people were evil by choice. Or maybe I just didn’t want to fall into the trap of hating and resenting anyone.
But what happened when I really opened my eyes?
I was in shock!
Some of the most important people in my life, people whom I deeply loved and trusted were the ones hurting me the most by using, controlling, and manipulating, and lying to me to get what they want.
And I didn’t see it!
How could you have been so blind and stupid?!
You blindly believed in them, thinking they were your friends… And they never were!
How could you not see that?
I started being haunted by these questions.
How was it that I couldn’t see something that was always right in front of my eyes?
How is it that we can’t see something that’s right in front of our eyes? How can we miss something as important as that?
The Lost of Trust, Strength, and Innocence
As time went by, I began to feel so much rage. And so much hate…
I hated all those who have hurt… And I hated myself for allowing it to happen.
Day after day, week after week, month after month… and as embarrassing this may be to admit, year after year, I kept revisiting every scene in my mind, trying to understand where I had gone wrong.
That’s how I began to lose myself...
I created a hell for myself the moment I decided to dwell upon the hurt. And with each day that kept passing by, I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into an endless void of darkness, misery, fear, and helplessness…
I wanted to come out of it. But no matter how much I tried, it felt like the will to hate was much greater than my will to rise above it.
And I kept descending…
We Learn to Walk by Falling…
“Hatred is an act of weakness. It is an act of cowardice… Only the strong and noble can forgive.” ~ Luminița D. Saviuc
That’s why life is a living hell for so many people. Because we’re more in love with our suffering than we are to our health, joy, and freedom.
Instead of standing firm within our power, by assuming responsibility for how we think and feel as a result of everything we went through, we give power over us to the same people who used and abused us.
“By blaming others for what we’re going through, we are not hurting them. We are hurting ourselves.” ~ Luminița D. Saviuc
And I did that!
I blamed everyone, myself including for how poorly I was treated. And the more I stayed in that miserable and filthy space, the more miserable and unbearable my life became…
You see, if I have learned something from my descent into hell is that as long as there is going to be even the slightest trace of self-hatred, self-abuse, and self-betrayal within us, we will continue to be abused, betrayed and lied to by those around us.
If we secretly believe we deserve to be used, abused, mistreated, manipulated and controlled, we will experience all of these things and many others. And we will continue to blame the world, our parents, God, and everyone around us for hurting us…
“The problem is not in falling. The problem is in failing to get back up after we have fallen… Isn’t that how babies learn to walk?” Luminița D. Saviuc
I was raised in a dark, violent, and painful environment where I was programmed to believe that I deserved to be abused, hated, lied to, controlled, manipulated, and traumatized by the people I loved the most.
It wasn’t something I had chosen for myself. It just happened…
And since this toxic pattern was so deeply ingrained in my subconscious, I kept calling upon me all these people, places, and experiences that would would reinforce these toxic beliefs.
Again, I wasn’t doing this on purpose. I was just running on old programs…
People Hurt You Because You Hurt Yourself
I know we were taught to believe that the problem is always out there. And rarely, or never within ourselves.
But I am here to tell you that if there is a problem ‘out’ there, it’s only because there is a problem ‘within’ ourselves.
I blamed the outside world for my pain, struggle, and for the fact that the people I loved the most were hurting me the most.
When in fact, I was the one doing most of the hurting by allowing the old programs of my past to dictate my present life and ruin my life
I was looking out there and expecting the world to offer me something I was supposed to offer to myself:
- My Healing
- My Love
- My Gentleness
- My Compassion
- My Freedom.
- And my Liberation.
Why is it that the people you love the most hurt you the most?
Because you allow them to do it…
I was running on the programs of my old unhappy and miserable life. And I couldn’t see that the I was surrounded by the same people from my past who were now wearing different masks.
What a shock, right?
The same people kept coming back, not to hurt me. But to show me that I was hurting myself by failing to overcome those emotions, patterns, programs, and limitations…
When we take the time to become aware and mindful of our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, we begin to understand why we are the way we are. And why life, and people in general, have been treating us the way they have.
I fell so low.
I never knew I was capable of feeling such dark emotions. And of thinking such horrifying thoughts.
It was terrifying and shameful at the same time…
And even though a part of me found great pleasure in hating and feeling like a poor little victim. Deep down inside I knew that that was not who I AM!
That was just a story. A state in which I have fallen.
But not who I AM!
We Are All in This Together
It really does not matter how people treat you, or those around them.
It does not matter whether others are kind, loving, and honest, or pure evil. All that matters is that you remain honest to yourself and the things you know in your heart to be right and true for you in the face of all the craziness that surrounds you.
If they hate, lie, manipulate, and control you or anyone else, that is their problem, not yours!
But if you start hating them for being in the state they are in, you risk falling even lower. And why would you want that?
Give not your FOCUS, ENERGY, and ATTENTION to these things that are dark, painful, fearful, and hideous.
Keep your eyes on the things that bring you joy, freedom, and peace.
Use each moment of your life to heal, forgive, and love. Seek to become Better, not Bitter.
No more hurting yourself by focusing on those who have hurt you. No more giving your Light to people, places, experiences and memories that keep you from being at peace and living a joyful, meaningful, and wonderful life.
Forgive people for being who they are. And forgive yourself for being who you are.
Life is a struggle for many of us. But we are all in this together.
The one who is hurting and the one who is being hurt need each other to FREE each other. To quote the wise Lao Tzu:
“What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher? What is a bad man but a good man’s job? If you don’t understand this, you will get lost, however intelligent you are. It is the great secret.” ~ Lao Tzu
We are all in this together.
Heal yourself. And you heal the whole world. Love yourself. And the whole world will love you back…
This has been one of my greatest life-lessons. A lesson that has helped me to learn discernment… To draw a line… To love people without allowing them to use and abuse me. And to put my trust in myself and in the God part of me… For this and much more that this, I will be forever grateful.
What about you? What lesson have you learned from those who have hurt you the most? You can share your comment below 🙂