“At the end of our lives, we will ask, Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?” ~ Brendon Burchard
We hold on to relationships that are far from being loving.
We perceive ourselves as being incomplete, and we cling on to those who give us a feeling of completeness.
We run around searching for love, begging for love and hoping it will never leave us.
We have no idea what love is all about… We have no idea who we are, what we’re all about and what we really need from life.
So many of us confuse love with attachment, so many of us confuse love with codependency.
We feel so empty, so alone and so unhappy on our own and we learn that it’s okay to desperately look for people who will make us feel whole, happy and complete. There are so many other people who are doing this, so we might as well mirror their behavior, we might as well do what they’re doing.
For almost 10 years I held on to something I thought was love. For almost 10 years I expected to get a sense of completeness by being in a codependent relationship. Guess what? It didn’t really work. In fact, it failed miserably.
Well, what to do? We live and we learn. We let go and we move on…
What I will share with you today are 6 things I wish I knew before my first relationship, things I did not know back then, but I do know now 🙂
1. Codependency is no laughing matter
Codependency ain’t love and it ain’t gonna make anyone happy. It won’t make you happy and it will surely not make your partner happy. It can’t and it won’t.
If you enter a relationship because you think that you desperately need a partner, chances are that your relationship will become a big mess. And you know what the sad part is? You and your partner will not be the only ones affected by your choices, your children will too if you plan to have any. Your children will learn from you and they will begin to look for love and approval in all the wrong places, confusing true love with codependency, just like you did. Because they will think of themselves as being incomplete, they will desperately seek to find their completeness in another person, expecting love and happiness to come from outside themselves, giving their power away.
Codependency is no laughing matter…
“I learned again and again in my life until you get your own act together, you’re not ready for Big Love. What you’re ready for is one of those co-dependent relationships where you desperately need a partner.” ~ Bruce Lipton
2. Get to the root of you
Get to the root and make sure that your deep-rooted beliefs about love are matching your idea of an ideal love relationship. There’s a huge difference between the relationship you consciously want to create and the relationship you will unconsciously create. Your conscious mind controls only 5% of your life while the other 95% is controlled by your subconscious mind, to which you don’t really have access that easily. If you grew up in an environment where love wasn’t present and if you saw your parents arguing, fighting, acting all cold and not showing any sign of affection to one another, that’s what you will create, unconsciously.
“Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly. You will no longer have to pretend to be someone you’re not. You will no longer have to prove you’re good enough. When you embrace your shadow you will no longer have to live in fear. Find the gifts of your shadow and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self. Then you will have the freedom to create the life you have always desired.” ~ Debbie Ford
3. Travel light. Leave your baggage behind
Make peace with your past. Make peace with your “stuff”. Don’t carry the mess of your past into the present. If you have any mommy or daddy issues, work on cleaning that mess. Get rid of all the skeletons you kept hidden in your closet. Face your shadows, accept your own darkness. Bring light into your dark world.
If you want to build a happy, loving and healthy relationship, you have to start fresh, you have to leave your baggage behind, and since “Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” ~ Unknown
4. It’s better to be alone than in “bad” company
It took me almost 10 years until I finally accepted and made peace with this idea and it’s true. It is better to be alone than in “bad” company, way better.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” ~ Robin Williams
5. In giving away the control, you got it
Be willing to give up your need to control the other person. The more you try to control them, the more irritated you’ll both get and the more distance there will be created between the two of you.
Allow things to unfold naturally. Allow the other person to be just the way he or she is. Allow them to be just the way they are and see how much better will that make you feel. Give up your need for control and in giving away the control, you’ll get it.
6. If it hurts, you need to let go. Let go, you little maniac! 🙂
“Let go? Who me? What?? No!!!
But I love him!
How can I live without my baby, my soul mate, my prison mate?
We are so unhappy together and I’m already used to it.
I refuse to do it! I won’t do it!
I’m addicted to pain, so I won’t let go. I won’t do it…”
But I did and I felt as free as a bird. Not immediately, but eventually I did, and I have to confess that it felt as one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have ever done. I’m really proud of me for this 🙂
Don’t cling on to unnecessary pain. If it hurts and if it’s a constant struggle, if it’s hard and makes you unhappy, just let it go. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Remember, it’s better to be alone than in bad company…
P.S. If you’re having a hard time letting go, check out these two articles: