This is a sequel to my previous post, The Dark Side of My Balinese Soul Searching Experience.
I honestly believe that the number one reason so many of us don’t like to spend time alone, away from all the outside noise and away from everyone else, it’s because we are afraid of what might come to the surface.
I thought I was one of those people who loved being alone with themselves, enjoying their own company, but my experience in Bali has proven otherwise.
After 3 days of feeling like I was one of the happiest people in the world, my mind began to awaken from the sleep it was in and started making a lot of noise once again. Slowly but surely I began feeling dreadful and worried.
I had no energy in my body. I would wake up in the middle of the night in pain, feeling very unsettled and uneasy. My whole body was hurting… I wanted to talk to someone but there was nobody to talk to but myself. I guess that was the whole idea behind my trip. To be alone with my own thoughts and feelings, contemplating my life.
The Dark Side of Me – Confessions of a Perfectly Imperfect Life
Things got worse as days went by and because of all the noise my mind was making,
“You had to come all the way to Bali to be miserable? You couldn’t do it at home? Very clever of you. You’re such a mess!”
I had a hard time staying focused and engaged in the present moment.
As you can see, I didn’t have too much love for myself in those moments.
Just like Pogo said it, I have met the enemy and it was me!
I remember feeling so scared and so alone and no matter how hard I was trying to get out of that state, I simply couldn’t do it. Nothing seemed to work.
I like to think I’m quite good with going from low to high, from sad to happy, but this time none of my “magical tools” worked, or maybe I wasn’t yet ready to make them work.
I played the ignorant game for a while, maybe because a part of me needed the drama or maybe because I was too afraid to look deeper and discover what was causing me all that pain.
The skeletons in my closet were ready for me but I wasn’t ready for them…
We all have skeletons in our closets, hidden wounds, and shadows and the more time we spend ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist, the messier life gets.
It’s like having a piece of meat sitting on your bedroom floor (don’t ask me how it got there:) ). You see it laying there and for some unknown reason, you decide to hide it under your bed. I know, it’s a very “special” story, but I am trying to make a point here, so bear with me 🙂
After a day or two, it starts to smell very bad and you feel uncomfortable, but as days go by, you begin to get used to it. You think to yourself: “Hmmm, the smell is gone.”
One day, you bring home a special someone and as they enter your home, they start screaming:
“Omg!!! What in the world is this horrible smell?”
to which you reply:
“What do you mean? What smell? I can’t smell anything!”
And then it hits you – “oh, the forgotten piece of meat.”
You look under the bed and you can’t believe how disgusting it looks and how bad it actually smells.
Cleaning the mess will not be a fun process but you’ll have to do it if you don’t want to end up in the hospital or die intoxicated in your sleep (Told you I can be dramatic at times ),
Anyway, the whole idea behind this is for us to realize how easy it can be to forget about some of the things that require our immediate attention and intervention. Even though the cleansing process won’t be a pleasant one, it is necessary if we really care about our health and well-being.
Deep down inside I knew I wasn’t being 100% honest with myself, I always know but for some strange reason, I choose to pretend like I don’t. Isn’t it weird?
Since the pain I was feeling became unbearable, I decided to push through my fears and do what I should’ve done a long time ago. I decided to have a serious, transparent and open conversation with myself (I do this quite often and I found it to be very helpful and the effect it has on me is therapeutic).
I took my notebook and I began to write.
“Okay, what’s going on here?
Why are you doing this to me?
Why won’t you just let me be?
You wanted to come to Bali to relax, to find yourself and to write!
You are here now, why don’t you do any of these things? Why aren’t you happy?!
Go ahead and find yourself, what and who stops you?!
What do you want from me?!
What does it take to please you?
What does it take to make you shut up… to be content and at peace?
Nothing seems to please you! What is wrong with you?!”
and then came the reply:
“Are you kidding me?
You really don’t know?!
For all this time you kept pretending like everything was okay, trying to cover up all the mess that you created and you expect me to be happy?
Did you really think that just by coming to Bali and showing me all these beautiful places I will be on cloud 9?
Do you really think I’m that naive?
Oh God! You gotta be kidding me!!!
You really don’t want to see what’s happening, do you?
It’s time to face the ugly truth and stop living in denial… It’s about you and Alex (my long time boyfriend, we’ve been together since 2003)… It’s that simple and yet that complicated.
Do you get it now?!?!
You broke up. It’s done. Finish! No more!
Do you realize that you never took the time to really grieve, to let go and to heal?
You pretended like it never happens and you buried yourself in work.
Who does that?!?!
You ignored your own inner struggles and conflicts, thinking that by doing so, the pain will eventually disappear.
You thought that simply by ignoring its existence, it will leave you alone, but it didn’t.
And you know what?
It will not leave you alone until you take the time to heal.
I really don’t understand why you’re so afraid of facing reality, afraid of crying and being vulnerable, afraid of screaming and shouting…
What’s all this nonsense about you being all powerful and tough and not giving a damn about your “wounded” heart?
You have a heart, you know?
Yes, a heart. It’s there in your chest, on the left…
Look for it, see if it’s still beating. I suspect it might be dead, just like you on the inside.
Don’t ignore what you are feeling. Your heart needs your love, your nourishment, and attention.
You can’t continue living like this. You simply can’t…
Why do you think you have been feeling so miserable for all this time?
You have forgotten everything you once knew, all the wonderful things you used to write and talk about and you became this mean, heartless and bitter person.
You forgot to love and appreciate not only yourself but also the world around you.
You became so serious, so rigid and so stiff, constantly criticizing, judging and labeling yourself and those around you…
Who does that?
I don’t recognize you anymore.
You don’t have to have it all together all the time, you know?
It’s okay if you fall and collapse from time to time. It’s okay to be human.
You don’t have to be perfect… You are not perfect, nor will you ever be.
In fact, why would you want to be perfect? Perfection leaves no room for improvement.
Stop suppressing, stop trying to control everything you feel or don’t feel and work on following your own advice.
You wrote that post, 15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy for yourself…
Those are important lessons for you to learn and you must work on mastering them all, one by one, little by little…
Remember number 2 – Give up your need for control?
How about number 11 – Give up on your fears and number 12 – Give up your excuses?
You have it all in you and when you forget that it’s there you can just read your own blog… That might wake you up.
There is no need to be scared. Trust that everything is going to turn out just fine.
I know it’s painful to accept the fact that the person you once loved and still love will no longer be part of your life but remember, nothing is ours to keep.
If you really love him and if you really love yourself, you will take the time to heal and also to let go of your attachment to the pain, and to him.
Remember the difference between love and attachment? You wrote about it in your post, 15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy: Many people mistake attachment with love but love and attachment have nothing to do with one another. Attachment comes from a place of fear while loving… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear. Because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist.
This is a concept that for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene.
You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.
Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand -“Make me feel whole.” Love expands beyond the limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.~Deepak Chopra
If it’s real love that you are feeling for him, you will not suffer that much.
Remember the words of Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
You can do this, You know you can! 🙂
If you feel like crying, cry! If you feel like screaming, scream!
Don’t hold it all inside you, don’t resist it. Allow, accept and embrace, forgive, bless and let go…
Take time to grieve and trust that once the grieving process has ended, things will get better and you will be healed…”
I was in shock. Tears were running down my face like never before and I didn’t even know what to think. In those moments I felt so many mixed emotions. I felt embarrassed, relieved, sad and content at the same time.
I knew those words were true, and I knew that one of the reasons my life got so out of order, was because I was too busy being busy.
“I really don’t have time for this, life goes on. I am fine! There are other things that require my attention.”
I kept myself busy with other things and as a result, I failed to heal. I continued to sink deeper and deeper in my self-created misery…
As you can imagine, there is a lot more to this story… To be continued in the next post 🙂
Until next time, here are some more photos from my first 8 days in Bali, Ubud. Enjoy!