“I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.”~ Fritz Perls
Well, we all know how the story goes. No matter how nice you are to those around you, there will always be people who will not agree with your way of being and your way of living your life. There will always be people who will find many reasons to be offended by your presence and existence on this planet and that is why it’s good to know how to respond to their behavior and maybe help them shift their perceptions a bit.
Here they are, 3 simple but insightful things you can say to someone who does not like you:
1. Expand your mind a little bit.
If you constantly reject people that are different than you and if you constantly reject ideas, behaviors that you find to be weird and strange, you will not evolve and you will remain stuck at the same level for the rest of your life. People often get annoyed and irritated when they see somebody who is, what Abraham Maslow called a self-actualized person, independent of the “good opinion” of others. They get annoyed and irritated to see that these people who are so busy with improving themselves, don’t really care about what other people think or say about them, because you see, unlike others, they are open to accept and welcome all kind of new ideas, situations, places, people, etc. in their lives.
These are the people most of us admire, these are the people who dare to think outside the box, allowing things to be as they are without rejecting anything or anyone. They are at peace because they know, and I will paraphrase Lao Tzu: “Peace is their highest value. If the peace has been shattered, how can they be content? Their enemies are not demons, but human beings like themselves. They don’t wish them personal harm.”
2. What irritates you the most about my person is something you haven’t accepted in yourself.
Every time I say this to people I feel like I am waking up the beast in them. It takes a lot of courage to admit this but in time you will discover this to be true. Those who really know themselves are able to live in peace with others. “Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control – these three alone lead to power.” ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson
What irritates us the most in others is something we haven’t accepted in ourselves and the reason why people get so annoyed when you tell them, this is because on the conscious level it does not make sense to them, and that is okay. If you will work on becoming what Carl Jung called, the observer of your own life, detaching yourself from who you think you are and from what is happening to you and all around you, looking beyond the surface, you will eventually discover something you did not know was there. You will discover what you see in others is nothing more than a reflection of who you are, and when this happens you will be able to live in peace and harmony with everybody around you.
3. You and I are One.
From the viewpoint of the human genome, we are 99.9% identical and in spite of this, you choose to focus your attention on the 0.1% that is different? You and I, “We are ONE, after all, you and I, together we suffer, together exist and forever will recreate each other.” ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.
Tanya Jane Williams
at 9:38 pm
I am working on no.2 at the moment. I think what it means is if there is someone that talks about you behind your back and you don't like it you can accept it because they're just sharing their opinion abiut you because you are so different from themselves and what they're saying is just words not facts. And I've often found treating people equally and with respect feels a lot better than disrespecting our differences.
at 7:53 pm
We need to have the humility and honesty to admit that sometimes we are selfish and not likeable.
at 12:34 am
i was sad to read your condo neighbor spoke such sad words to you. as i read about your experience it struck me the lady with the mouth at your door may not have been speaking on behalf of your condo building community. in addition, more people than we are aware of do suffer some form of multiple personality type of deisease….and finally it seems to me this person is immature and unsettled themselves….ie….most folks i know do not have time to knock on doors and speak silly words………may you feel god’s blessing and add this lady to your prayers………..she obviously needs prayers
at 1:53 am
Great read as always! Although I do feel that there are some people so deeply unhappy with themselves – and who subsequently take their unhappiness out on others – that it is difficult to get along with them until they’ve confronted their own demons. Some people are bigots and plain unpleasant.
Overall though, I’d put this down as advice to get along with those folk who don’t like you for your personality, not for your “lifestyle choices” (bigotry) or because of their own internalised problems. We can all get along, but some of us need to try harder than others, no doubt.
I especially love the last paragraph.
at 9:11 pm
This is such synchronicity to stumble upon this post. Someone in my condo building actually knocked on my door last week to say, “Nobody here likes you – why don’t you just leave!”, with great enthusiasm and energy. I tried talked to her to figure out the backstory but there was none she could give and it took me 3 days of crying, shaking and disbelief before I could get to the points made above. Thank you for writing it and thanks to those who responded so I know it’s not just a “me” thing
at 7:57 pm
I know someone who expects a lot out of me, and when I don’t give something to her, she gets really angry. I said the same thing to her, about who’s being selfish, she just more angry 🙂
I don’t try really to explain anything now, and everything is just fine! No point wondering who’s right and wrong, just be happy and live.
at 11:17 pm
at 9:55 am
Upon learning that some person is verbally stating their dislike for me, I try to ascertain if faulty communication could be the culprit.. If I cannot find any fault in this area, I just chock it up to knowing that we simply can’t be everyone’s ‘cup of tea’. And then I just let it go. and continue on with my life; figuring that the ones who don’t care for me must have some issues or whatever!
At any rate, it all sounds like a personal problem to me. And God knows how fast these things turn into monstersmashes, So I kinda make myself scarce.
at 10:06 am
i want to tell people that too
at 4:10 pm
People that dislike me forget that I am willing to talk it out with them. People who know me should trust that I mean no harm. I am who I am, but I’m open to change if a person could logically and clearly, with kind words, tell me why I should.
at 7:10 pm
Those things are fine to think to yourself, quietly – but you will come across as conceited and condescending if you say them out loud to someone who already dislikes you.
at 9:52 pm
There are people who dislike themselves so much, they just cannot like anyone else. It’s sad to watch.
at 10:11 pm
Let’s be honest.
There are those people, no matter what you do or how nice you try to be to them, that will just not like you. Period. So, stop trying.
Aren’t there any people that you just plain ‘on sight’ don’t like? I know that I have, so why shouldn’t others feel the same way?
Took me awhile to learn this.
at 7:25 am
There are times when I find it difficult to stand up for myself, especially when others criticise me. I have two options: one os to accept the criticism as a gift to improve myself (constructive), or two, if the criticism is bias, ignore it, “remove” the person from your life and move on.
at 8:35 pm
Really like your comment Amy, perception is misleading
at 8:31 pm
Excellent read & positive.You did Removal of the drama that one person brings..the other doesnt usually. That has been my experience anyway. I am100% sure t both people have to be open or its like talking to a closed door.
I enjoyed the article. It’s about real life and real situations. Raw real stuff. Not fluffed up.
Im glad I subscribed to you via facebook! always looking for positive stuff to apply to my life.
at 5:51 pm
at 5:19 pm
This was all good to read – and I agree with much of the above. I do want to add that sometimes when we think someone does not like us we are making an incorrect assumption.
at 12:44 pm
Perhaps it is you who should look into the psychology of your post. You are judging her and making assumptions of who she likes based on your observations. Perhaps judging less would result in a different relationship with her!
at 12:21 pm
i agree that we are all one, none of us perfect at all. I, like Kelly have thought alot about ” what you dont like in another, is something inside yourself you have not accepted”. i dont agree…i don’t like mean ppl, injustice, small mindedness, etc, in general i think i am a nice person….but then again, it’s not like i’ve NEVER been those things…. hey ! maybe it IS that i cant accept those things about me…. hmmm… maybe i dont know myself at all (more thought required :} )
at 4:47 am
I have heard the statement “what you don’t like about others is something you haven’t accepted in yourself.” quite a few times. I don’t believe that statement to be generally true.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and testing the theory based on irritating traits of others and I rarely find it to be true. I’ve been on a path of enlightenment for years now, so I am self-aware and not in denial. 🙂
Instead, (related to your third bullet) I focus on what is good about that person and give no attention to the thing that I don’t like. The annoying thing either stops bothering me, or they stop doing it, or the person is removed from my reality.
at 12:31 am
I work with someone who seemed to be actively working against me and putting me down. It was really getting to me because I was taking it as an indictment on my professional abilities. However, when I figured out that she only likes and associates with a certain type of person, I realized it’s not personal. She almost can’t help herself if she treats me one way and my coworker that she likes another way. That realization has made a huge difference in my attitude towards her. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself when she treats me rudely.
(P.S. You know what I realized her secret is? She only likes people who are wealthy or from well-off backgrounds! Now tell me the psychology behind that one. So strange.)
at 6:16 pm
I liked your statement about selfishness. If someone asks me for something and I don’t want to give it to them. That is my choice. If they get angry with me for not getting what they wanted, which person is really being selfish?
at 6:12 pm
Good post but I answer to a higher power, myself. I live in this world but not of it. I do what I want, when I want, choose the thoughts I wish to think about, try to help all people when possible with love an kindness and most importantly I am not out to win a popularity contest. I expunged having an ego as I find that is man’s worse attribute and is the root cause of many negative behavior and detrimental to making sound judgements.
Paul Strobl (@CoachPaulStrobl)
at 5:13 pm
Awesome post. I like to use the method of trying on someone else’s criticism or even my own judgements of others. If they say I’m selfish, I try it on…”in what ways am I selfish?” It’s pretty easy to find a few examples, and my answer is usually something like “I get that. Sometimes I’m selfish.”